What Am I Unwilling to Let Go of?

I was prompted by this question in a post on instagram that was titled: “Essays to write instead of Doomscrolling.” I was intrigued by her content and then I was icked out when she talked about being “Immaculately well-educated” or some shit and it was weird. And I found it kind of ironic that she was an instagram influencer trying to come off like doomscrolling isn't what she does as a job. Whatever this isn't really about her I wanted to properly answer the question.

What Am I unwilling to let go of? Truly? I mean of course I could lie and still it would pass as entertainment, but if I were honest about my personal experience, there is something I have an extremely hard time letting go of to the point of it feeling impossible. 

I decided to become buddhist a year and six months after i shaved my head for the first time, I was 17 and I read Jack Kerouac’s Tristessa because of Haley Kaplan’s recommendation, then my Step-dad gave me a copy of his Dharma Bums, Then I read On the Road, and Hailey Redd got me a copy of Big Sur for my birthday. I then became obsessed with Buddhism, and started to research about it. 

I was a victim of religious trauma so I needed a substitute for Jesus, but I needed to separate from the church.  Buddhism still to this day makes sense to me, as a dead beat beat knick. Dead beat to dead beat, Buddha made sense to me. My suffering does stem from my desire and attachments. I became pretty detached soon after that or at least tried to as much as I could but there was a potency within romantic attachment that I still can't seem to wrangle myself out of. 

The feeling of when someone you love, loves you back, is intoxicating. the kind of intoxication I became addicted to. I had a little coke problem later in life, but never did crack (not that there’s much of a difference) but I can stop after one glass of wine, and I can hardly finish a beer. And I can pop the occasional Adderall, Xanax, Or Valium without it becoming a financial and hysterical problem. I hate MDMA and will never take it willingly. I think horses deserve ketamine more than I do, and I think I might be graduating from LSD University soon! But I’ll have to travel one more time to truly be sure. 

The point is, I’m prone to addiction but in terms of possible outcomes, being a love addict isn't as devastating as others. 

What I can’t seem to let go of is that feeling and the obsessive detective within me that wants to figure out how all of my ex’s fell out of love with me. I also am curious if my love for them remains, is it something personal, like my own wounds or is it some cosmic connection to them because maybe no one ever truly falls out of love? 

I refuse to have an opinion about it because I’m obviously biased, and slightly scared that it’s the cringiest option. 

I don't want to be a cringy lolcow chungus. I want to be a sex symbol while I hate having sex. Noone understands what that’s like. I’m original through my pain. (Eye roll emoji)

If I were to have an opinion I would agree with Suki Waterhouse. “You adored me once before”

I think a lot about Justice, I wonder if she ever even liked me. She told Mackenzie that I broke her heart, when I always thought it was the other way around, she broke up with me because she wanted to be a slut, and for some reason she was threatened by either my feelings for or  by Charles himself. 

I associate Chuck with my cocaine addiction, I was so focused on the attention of an extremely avoidant soon to be accused sexual predator, I stopped cleaning my room, doing laundry, eating, taking care of myself, I was completely lost. 

But it was different with Justice, it was a mutual love bombing that felt like coming home to yourself. A self destruction so mutual it was synchronized. 

She emerged from the darkness in the middle of the forest, the flames enveloping her in a flickering orange heated haze. The bonfire was lively, people were spread all around it, but Justice’s eyes were on me. Their gaze was cool and refreshing in contrast to the blazing flames behind them.

I first met them at the Music Festival I played at in the middle of Flagstaff. I looked up at them and grinned slightly, I could feel my face pull into this cheesy shit eating grin whenever i’m in the presence of a beautiful woman. 

I remember they drove all the way down to the city just to let me put glitter on their face and watch me perform. It was the night I wore the Pink micromesh body suit from Nickel Back City, and stripped from my school girl uniform during the song “I’m Bored Lets Get Naked”

This was when I was the main singer and songwriter for Gone Mccain back in 2018. 

The weekend they came to visit and I was on my period but we had sex anyway and my shower was slightly clogged so we were ankle deep in standing water in the shower with little chunks of blood clots just floating around. I was so embarrassed and they still bring it up to this day like the sassy nasty bitch they are (lol). 

I came out as a NB, and Justice didn’t believe me (I wasn’t done transitioning yet). A year later she comes out as a Tranny herself. 

We were there in the midst of each other's psychosis, we threatened to kill ourselves and each other, we screamed at each other, went no contact, became friends again, went no contact again. We used information to hurt one another, I mean all of the nasty awful toxic shit you can do to someone we did it all. I got medicated and sober from coke and Justice got sober from meth and alcohol, and things kind of settled and things look to be settled now. 

And I can't let go of the good. 

Maybe that's what makes me stay a lot longer than I should. 

But it was different with Justice than it was with shitty men, and with other girls it was similar but they never felt as unconditional as it did with Justice, damn near familial. With Taylor Marie it was the closest and I still think that crazy bitch is going to call me but she probably won't after I made that terrible shitty song about her. 

Here are the Lyrics:

Got one Good suit

but a useless face

broken mouth

and a Fractaled Brain

Never had a Goodnight Kiss

Goodbye was never on your lips

its a fact i just couldnt miss

dont call me crazy

but call me sometime in the spring

Oh, Taylor Marie

You sound crazy

just like your ma

swear y'all two just

peas in a pod

Genetically faltering just like your god

Ask him if he knows benevolent odds

dont call me lazy

but maybe call me sometime in the spring

oh Taylor Marie

I am unwilling to let go of Justice, in the way that I want to love her unconditionally and I cant really do anything other than that. I want to and I have limited the love i have for my other ex’s but again with Justice it's like she’s my first ex wife or something. That crazy first wife. And I’m hers. Maybe I’m holding onto something that’s dead and rotting. Maybe I’m delusional and I think there’s an aspect of myself that died along with the other parts of me that lies is somehow still alive. 

Maybe I’m just retarded.