Let Me Be Frank

  The impact of trauma often appears within a voice of self-criticism, shame, and doubt. Examples include, You caused this, or If you were smarter you could have-. When do you hear this voice appear within you? What does it say? How does it feel to be aware of it? This one is tricky because a lot of my mental illness exists simultaneously alongside crippling self awareness.  You can't really call yourself smart but my mother turned down my therapist’s suggestion of joining Mensa so I don't really know how else to go about having unnaturally high intelligence, because it’s in bad taste to talk about your own intelligence for whatever reason.  Unnaturally high intelligence isn't necessarily impressive, killers of innocent people can have unnaturally high intelligence.  One thing about it that I think is pretty universal across the board, whether you like killing people who are innocent or guilty, or no one at all: is the isolation aspect.  It’s extremely isolatin...

 The effects of the relationship I have had with my Father are interesting.  Well, at least to me. I had frequent meltdowns as a child, it started when I was two and I would slam my head over and over into things when I got upset.  Both of my parents resorted to physical violence in order to try and control me during these meltdowns. My father’s default emotion was rage. He would scream, hit, push, pull hair , slam me down on the ground. My mother’s default emotion was victimhood, She would cry, scream, blame, hide and tell my father to “deal with me” and then intervene if he was too physical.  They had this thing called “The Police Hold.” which is when they would yank my arm behind my back and inch it upwards until I calmed down. Hurting me into submission. Out of love.  My father’s stepfather was really abusive, like severely. Two of my uncles are permanently mentally fucked up because of how abusive he was.  He was Pop-op to me. I was taught and told to ...

 I was male centered for a long time. Mostly because I was self centered and I was born a man (with ovaries). For a long time I thought I was the upper echelon of taste and it was an honest to god shock if others disagreed with me. maybe this is too confessional. I’m scared I’m going to say something unsavory or something off putting. I’m still quite worried about how I’ll be perceived. Mostly just because I want the control of perception, especially when it comes to me. There are some thoughts I don’t share with my therapist, mostly out of the fear that I will be 5150’d. I don’t want to harp too much on my trauma but long story short I was sent to a cult when i was 16. My mother and father thought it would save my life and maybe it did. That’s the fucked up thing about it kind of, it did save my life but it also at the same time changed it forever in a negative way. They combined therapy with dark magical practices that often caused psychosis within the young girls that lived ther...